There are things that can be told and there are things that one has to realize by themselves. I say a lot but tell nothing, an introvert by nature, not by choice, and extrovert by choice and by training, yet only superficially.
I agree to a few things that you said. “Our love is the constant.” It constantly exists admist all the issues that we have explore and the problems and challenges that we have been through. However, it is not to be taken for granted. Perhaps this notion called love became too much of an excuse for the both of us. We assumed it as being constant and forget to be patient, to tolerate, to forgive, to trust , to not be easily angered, to communicate, to be thankful, and to be sorry. I have thought about it a lot and feel that very often your pride takes precedence. During these couple of months, I was hoping to know how you think, how you feel, not how you would argue, not how you would justify love, not how you would justify for us to try because in our arguments, there was no longer logic. You felt that I was arguing based on logic and using my head to lock up my heart. But I was not. During our first major breakup I cited four major issues that pushed me away from you and one of them was a very self-centric view of us. I wonder that after all this time and you thought about our problems, you mentioned about communication, respect, and understanding. Was it for you or for me? I guess you asked me for a bit more understanding thereafter. My faith in being able to have a happy relationship with you has been broken and my fear is that of a broken family and marriage in the future. I feel you trying to get us back. When you argue and reason with me, I pull away. I missed you and missed the tenderness but I pull away each time you try to talk and reason with me. Love is not about reason. It’s not about telling, it’s about showing. We spent some time together, happy times together even after our separation. Happy times chatting on msn and during your birthday dinner. I enjoyed that and missed having you telling me stuff about your work etc. I missed your bubbly demeanors. Yet at the end of it, the same old phrases came up again, “I can’t do this anymore”, “This is it”, “What’s the point”, “Is this your stand?” They push me away once again. While you are adept with communicating with people, connecting with people, being likeable and sociable and being understanding with various friends in and outside of work, somehow, when it comes to me, you seemed pretty clueless. And I am left alone, to figure and decide on my own what I want before coming back to you. We have taken “love” as a constant and taken it for granted that we forgot that if one gets lost, we need to help each other along even if it means exploring it and finding our directions all over again.
It is heartbreakingly ironical that you mentioned many people take a whole lifetime to know each other yet that should not stop two persons from trying to want to be together. My parents are like that and I find it heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time. My dad is not a difficult person to understand, but neither is he easy. For my mom, he is often a mystery of which during his mood swings and all, she chooses to ignore him and let him be. It does not always work. He actually needs someone to listen to him, to ask him what is wrong, to tell him it’s all going to be ok even if he does not know how to articulate his insecurities or rationalize his emotions. Maybe in certain ways, I am like him. In others, perhaps a side of you still thinks my state and decision is a childish temporary ridicule. If you ever think or feel that way, even an ounce, it’s still your pride talking and it is stopping you from reaching out to me, from understanding me. You tried to logically put your argument and perspective of my actions, so you could brand me for cheating on you, and you feel that all my feedback how I felt and all were insults to you. That is because of pride. I don’t know how to speak to your pride because love does not work that way. I’m not blame free, perhaps I am too as I do have pride as well. But on the topic of communication, there are things I can tell and there are things you have to realize yourself. After all these, do you feel that I am just trying to rationalize things again from another of my unlimited angles? Or are you starting to understand? Like I said, some things can’t be told. If you cannot accept or feel anger, sadness, disappointment, it is because of pride and you have yet to let it go. I know, because I am like that too. It is when I get defensive and argumentative. It helps me understand why pride is the original sin. Re-read this when you are less angry and defensive, perhaps you might understand and see it from a different light by then.
If you feel that I choose to remain silent, expecting people to know what I am thinking or because I do not like people to know what I am thinking, my reply to you would be, this I wish you could understand me and reach out to me even when I am silent, I wish you could touch me with tenderness not just physically but spiritually and emotionally, I wish you could help me articulate what I can’t because I am handicapped, I wish not to hide anything from you but there are things I may not be able to tell you and I hope you forgive me for it, I wish that we would not have “hard talks” because I do not want to argue with you but rather you would understand what I have to say because you know me. I feel that we are so far away from all that I wish. Christmas is coming, so last but not least I wish you a Merry Christmas!
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