I guess in a way, I chose this... to spend Christmas alone in a faraway place. It was not a last minute foiling of my own Christmas. I probably already knew that this would be a difficult day to face... Christmas without you. Does it make it easier that I'm faraway? I guess I didn't give myself that choice.
How are you spending your Christmas? I remember each Christmas how I would have my annual Christmas dinner gatherings with friends, family and we would cook up a feast. Or rather I would cook up a feast, how I would plan the Christmas menu beforehand each year, how I would end up spending quite a bit of money and it would be difficult to collect money from anyone. I guess as the host invites, and the host wants to make it a nice party for everyone, its the host's decision on what to prepare and how much to prepare. Its a yearly dilemma that I now no longer worry about. Nonetheless, the whole process of creating new dishes I've never tried before, figuring out how to make the feast of the year a memorable one, sourcing for ingredients, getting friends and family to help out in the cooking process, its a time of year for loved ones to bond and have fun together, rekindle love and catch up on times with loved ones we so often have little time for in our day to day lives. I love big parties, big gatherings.
Inevitably, we somehow always end up arguing about TY and how close you are to him. How intimate you are with him physically during the party. I guess little things like leaning your head on his shoulders, putting your hands on his lap, sitting close beside him leaning over as opposed to sitting with me. I hate the way you make me feel like an outsider with the group. I no longer enjoy being with them anymore. Its a petty quarrel that I like to pick on you for but its something you never understand and always do repeatedly and it irritates the hell out of me. It doesn't really matter, but for the irritation, I just like to pick a fight for the sake of it. I guess we don't have to quarrel about that now.
I remember a very different Christmas too, in Tokyo. Where we walked Ginza... and after what seemed like a pretty mundane day like every other day in Tokyo, we tried to find a bar where we could chill and do the countdown, watch the fireworks etc. It was funny how when all stores were closed and I refused to go back to the apartment. We got our drinks, in a tall place... after having probably like ten tako pachi balls, Starbucks coffee and I couldn't remember what else we had for dinner. The fireworks almost felt like a myth, being so distant from where we were. We took the train back, and back in the apartment we played cards before deciding its time for bed. A very different Christmas spent without the huge party crowd, but a very heartwarming one as well just because you were there.
I don't feel sorry for myself that I'll be alone this year, in the hotel room on Christmas or Christmas eve. Because everywhere I go, I end up thinking of you. I'd rather be alone than to pretend to smile with friends around while feeling this emptiness and loneliness inside me. Simply said, yes, I guess I chose to escape Christmas. Improbable but somehow, I wish you are having a good time, receiving lots of love and warmth during this time.
Merry Christmas to you...
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