Monday, December 26, 2011
moving along...
Had a discussion/argument with you again over msn. I don't know why each time we try to work or talk things out, we just end up being inconclusive, quarrelsome, frustrated, and resigned at the result and process. We ended the conversation with you being tired... I guess so was I... Did we start the wrong way? Perhaps we always had too many negative vibes between us. Perhaps we never really knew how to communicate with each other... even until now when the stakes are so high, we think we are compromising but the other party doesnt hear us anymore. Perhaps this is why we are always arguing over the smallest unimportant stuff. Why are we so quarrelsome? I must be at fault too. I'm just worried just afraid that we would end up moving along and there's no way back.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
a blue Christmas...
I guess in a way, I chose this... to spend Christmas alone in a faraway place. It was not a last minute foiling of my own Christmas. I probably already knew that this would be a difficult day to face... Christmas without you. Does it make it easier that I'm faraway? I guess I didn't give myself that choice.
How are you spending your Christmas? I remember each Christmas how I would have my annual Christmas dinner gatherings with friends, family and we would cook up a feast. Or rather I would cook up a feast, how I would plan the Christmas menu beforehand each year, how I would end up spending quite a bit of money and it would be difficult to collect money from anyone. I guess as the host invites, and the host wants to make it a nice party for everyone, its the host's decision on what to prepare and how much to prepare. Its a yearly dilemma that I now no longer worry about. Nonetheless, the whole process of creating new dishes I've never tried before, figuring out how to make the feast of the year a memorable one, sourcing for ingredients, getting friends and family to help out in the cooking process, its a time of year for loved ones to bond and have fun together, rekindle love and catch up on times with loved ones we so often have little time for in our day to day lives. I love big parties, big gatherings.
Inevitably, we somehow always end up arguing about TY and how close you are to him. How intimate you are with him physically during the party. I guess little things like leaning your head on his shoulders, putting your hands on his lap, sitting close beside him leaning over as opposed to sitting with me. I hate the way you make me feel like an outsider with the group. I no longer enjoy being with them anymore. Its a petty quarrel that I like to pick on you for but its something you never understand and always do repeatedly and it irritates the hell out of me. It doesn't really matter, but for the irritation, I just like to pick a fight for the sake of it. I guess we don't have to quarrel about that now.
I remember a very different Christmas too, in Tokyo. Where we walked Ginza... and after what seemed like a pretty mundane day like every other day in Tokyo, we tried to find a bar where we could chill and do the countdown, watch the fireworks etc. It was funny how when all stores were closed and I refused to go back to the apartment. We got our drinks, in a tall place... after having probably like ten tako pachi balls, Starbucks coffee and I couldn't remember what else we had for dinner. The fireworks almost felt like a myth, being so distant from where we were. We took the train back, and back in the apartment we played cards before deciding its time for bed. A very different Christmas spent without the huge party crowd, but a very heartwarming one as well just because you were there.
I don't feel sorry for myself that I'll be alone this year, in the hotel room on Christmas or Christmas eve. Because everywhere I go, I end up thinking of you. I'd rather be alone than to pretend to smile with friends around while feeling this emptiness and loneliness inside me. Simply said, yes, I guess I chose to escape Christmas. Improbable but somehow, I wish you are having a good time, receiving lots of love and warmth during this time.
Merry Christmas to you...
How are you spending your Christmas? I remember each Christmas how I would have my annual Christmas dinner gatherings with friends, family and we would cook up a feast. Or rather I would cook up a feast, how I would plan the Christmas menu beforehand each year, how I would end up spending quite a bit of money and it would be difficult to collect money from anyone. I guess as the host invites, and the host wants to make it a nice party for everyone, its the host's decision on what to prepare and how much to prepare. Its a yearly dilemma that I now no longer worry about. Nonetheless, the whole process of creating new dishes I've never tried before, figuring out how to make the feast of the year a memorable one, sourcing for ingredients, getting friends and family to help out in the cooking process, its a time of year for loved ones to bond and have fun together, rekindle love and catch up on times with loved ones we so often have little time for in our day to day lives. I love big parties, big gatherings.
Inevitably, we somehow always end up arguing about TY and how close you are to him. How intimate you are with him physically during the party. I guess little things like leaning your head on his shoulders, putting your hands on his lap, sitting close beside him leaning over as opposed to sitting with me. I hate the way you make me feel like an outsider with the group. I no longer enjoy being with them anymore. Its a petty quarrel that I like to pick on you for but its something you never understand and always do repeatedly and it irritates the hell out of me. It doesn't really matter, but for the irritation, I just like to pick a fight for the sake of it. I guess we don't have to quarrel about that now.
I remember a very different Christmas too, in Tokyo. Where we walked Ginza... and after what seemed like a pretty mundane day like every other day in Tokyo, we tried to find a bar where we could chill and do the countdown, watch the fireworks etc. It was funny how when all stores were closed and I refused to go back to the apartment. We got our drinks, in a tall place... after having probably like ten tako pachi balls, Starbucks coffee and I couldn't remember what else we had for dinner. The fireworks almost felt like a myth, being so distant from where we were. We took the train back, and back in the apartment we played cards before deciding its time for bed. A very different Christmas spent without the huge party crowd, but a very heartwarming one as well just because you were there.
I don't feel sorry for myself that I'll be alone this year, in the hotel room on Christmas or Christmas eve. Because everywhere I go, I end up thinking of you. I'd rather be alone than to pretend to smile with friends around while feeling this emptiness and loneliness inside me. Simply said, yes, I guess I chose to escape Christmas. Improbable but somehow, I wish you are having a good time, receiving lots of love and warmth during this time.
Merry Christmas to you...
Monday, December 19, 2011
Do you understand the irony?
There are things that can be told and there are things that one has to realize by themselves. I say a lot but tell nothing, an introvert by nature, not by choice, and extrovert by choice and by training, yet only superficially.
I agree to a few things that you said. “Our love is the constant.” It constantly exists admist all the issues that we have explore and the problems and challenges that we have been through. However, it is not to be taken for granted. Perhaps this notion called love became too much of an excuse for the both of us. We assumed it as being constant and forget to be patient, to tolerate, to forgive, to trust , to not be easily angered, to communicate, to be thankful, and to be sorry. I have thought about it a lot and feel that very often your pride takes precedence. During these couple of months, I was hoping to know how you think, how you feel, not how you would argue, not how you would justify love, not how you would justify for us to try because in our arguments, there was no longer logic. You felt that I was arguing based on logic and using my head to lock up my heart. But I was not. During our first major breakup I cited four major issues that pushed me away from you and one of them was a very self-centric view of us. I wonder that after all this time and you thought about our problems, you mentioned about communication, respect, and understanding. Was it for you or for me? I guess you asked me for a bit more understanding thereafter. My faith in being able to have a happy relationship with you has been broken and my fear is that of a broken family and marriage in the future. I feel you trying to get us back. When you argue and reason with me, I pull away. I missed you and missed the tenderness but I pull away each time you try to talk and reason with me. Love is not about reason. It’s not about telling, it’s about showing. We spent some time together, happy times together even after our separation. Happy times chatting on msn and during your birthday dinner. I enjoyed that and missed having you telling me stuff about your work etc. I missed your bubbly demeanors. Yet at the end of it, the same old phrases came up again, “I can’t do this anymore”, “This is it”, “What’s the point”, “Is this your stand?” They push me away once again. While you are adept with communicating with people, connecting with people, being likeable and sociable and being understanding with various friends in and outside of work, somehow, when it comes to me, you seemed pretty clueless. And I am left alone, to figure and decide on my own what I want before coming back to you. We have taken “love” as a constant and taken it for granted that we forgot that if one gets lost, we need to help each other along even if it means exploring it and finding our directions all over again.
It is heartbreakingly ironical that you mentioned many people take a whole lifetime to know each other yet that should not stop two persons from trying to want to be together. My parents are like that and I find it heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time. My dad is not a difficult person to understand, but neither is he easy. For my mom, he is often a mystery of which during his mood swings and all, she chooses to ignore him and let him be. It does not always work. He actually needs someone to listen to him, to ask him what is wrong, to tell him it’s all going to be ok even if he does not know how to articulate his insecurities or rationalize his emotions. Maybe in certain ways, I am like him. In others, perhaps a side of you still thinks my state and decision is a childish temporary ridicule. If you ever think or feel that way, even an ounce, it’s still your pride talking and it is stopping you from reaching out to me, from understanding me. You tried to logically put your argument and perspective of my actions, so you could brand me for cheating on you, and you feel that all my feedback how I felt and all were insults to you. That is because of pride. I don’t know how to speak to your pride because love does not work that way. I’m not blame free, perhaps I am too as I do have pride as well. But on the topic of communication, there are things I can tell and there are things you have to realize yourself. After all these, do you feel that I am just trying to rationalize things again from another of my unlimited angles? Or are you starting to understand? Like I said, some things can’t be told. If you cannot accept or feel anger, sadness, disappointment, it is because of pride and you have yet to let it go. I know, because I am like that too. It is when I get defensive and argumentative. It helps me understand why pride is the original sin. Re-read this when you are less angry and defensive, perhaps you might understand and see it from a different light by then.
If you feel that I choose to remain silent, expecting people to know what I am thinking or because I do not like people to know what I am thinking, my reply to you would be, this I wish you could understand me and reach out to me even when I am silent, I wish you could touch me with tenderness not just physically but spiritually and emotionally, I wish you could help me articulate what I can’t because I am handicapped, I wish not to hide anything from you but there are things I may not be able to tell you and I hope you forgive me for it, I wish that we would not have “hard talks” because I do not want to argue with you but rather you would understand what I have to say because you know me. I feel that we are so far away from all that I wish. Christmas is coming, so last but not least I wish you a Merry Christmas!
I agree to a few things that you said. “Our love is the constant.” It constantly exists admist all the issues that we have explore and the problems and challenges that we have been through. However, it is not to be taken for granted. Perhaps this notion called love became too much of an excuse for the both of us. We assumed it as being constant and forget to be patient, to tolerate, to forgive, to trust , to not be easily angered, to communicate, to be thankful, and to be sorry. I have thought about it a lot and feel that very often your pride takes precedence. During these couple of months, I was hoping to know how you think, how you feel, not how you would argue, not how you would justify love, not how you would justify for us to try because in our arguments, there was no longer logic. You felt that I was arguing based on logic and using my head to lock up my heart. But I was not. During our first major breakup I cited four major issues that pushed me away from you and one of them was a very self-centric view of us. I wonder that after all this time and you thought about our problems, you mentioned about communication, respect, and understanding. Was it for you or for me? I guess you asked me for a bit more understanding thereafter. My faith in being able to have a happy relationship with you has been broken and my fear is that of a broken family and marriage in the future. I feel you trying to get us back. When you argue and reason with me, I pull away. I missed you and missed the tenderness but I pull away each time you try to talk and reason with me. Love is not about reason. It’s not about telling, it’s about showing. We spent some time together, happy times together even after our separation. Happy times chatting on msn and during your birthday dinner. I enjoyed that and missed having you telling me stuff about your work etc. I missed your bubbly demeanors. Yet at the end of it, the same old phrases came up again, “I can’t do this anymore”, “This is it”, “What’s the point”, “Is this your stand?” They push me away once again. While you are adept with communicating with people, connecting with people, being likeable and sociable and being understanding with various friends in and outside of work, somehow, when it comes to me, you seemed pretty clueless. And I am left alone, to figure and decide on my own what I want before coming back to you. We have taken “love” as a constant and taken it for granted that we forgot that if one gets lost, we need to help each other along even if it means exploring it and finding our directions all over again.
It is heartbreakingly ironical that you mentioned many people take a whole lifetime to know each other yet that should not stop two persons from trying to want to be together. My parents are like that and I find it heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time. My dad is not a difficult person to understand, but neither is he easy. For my mom, he is often a mystery of which during his mood swings and all, she chooses to ignore him and let him be. It does not always work. He actually needs someone to listen to him, to ask him what is wrong, to tell him it’s all going to be ok even if he does not know how to articulate his insecurities or rationalize his emotions. Maybe in certain ways, I am like him. In others, perhaps a side of you still thinks my state and decision is a childish temporary ridicule. If you ever think or feel that way, even an ounce, it’s still your pride talking and it is stopping you from reaching out to me, from understanding me. You tried to logically put your argument and perspective of my actions, so you could brand me for cheating on you, and you feel that all my feedback how I felt and all were insults to you. That is because of pride. I don’t know how to speak to your pride because love does not work that way. I’m not blame free, perhaps I am too as I do have pride as well. But on the topic of communication, there are things I can tell and there are things you have to realize yourself. After all these, do you feel that I am just trying to rationalize things again from another of my unlimited angles? Or are you starting to understand? Like I said, some things can’t be told. If you cannot accept or feel anger, sadness, disappointment, it is because of pride and you have yet to let it go. I know, because I am like that too. It is when I get defensive and argumentative. It helps me understand why pride is the original sin. Re-read this when you are less angry and defensive, perhaps you might understand and see it from a different light by then.
If you feel that I choose to remain silent, expecting people to know what I am thinking or because I do not like people to know what I am thinking, my reply to you would be, this I wish you could understand me and reach out to me even when I am silent, I wish you could touch me with tenderness not just physically but spiritually and emotionally, I wish you could help me articulate what I can’t because I am handicapped, I wish not to hide anything from you but there are things I may not be able to tell you and I hope you forgive me for it, I wish that we would not have “hard talks” because I do not want to argue with you but rather you would understand what I have to say because you know me. I feel that we are so far away from all that I wish. Christmas is coming, so last but not least I wish you a Merry Christmas!
Saturday, December 10, 2011
The winds of change and the sands of time
I wonder as time goes by... if you slowly getting used to life without me... weekends without me. As the winds of change blows the sands of time, will our memories of each other fade... as new people enter our lives, as new events occur, as life bringsus to new places, will we no longer remember each other's faces, names, existence? Will we be nothing more than just a distant memory or perhaps even that may fade to nothingness... I wish I could see you being happy once again, even if its just from a distance... and may you never know about my bleeding heart that still beats for you. May I never stop feeling this pain, as this is all I am willing and able to keep of you. Have mercy on me the winds and the sands...
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