Its a small world after all

I was watching "We Bought a Zoo" on Funshion. The brother of the protagonist was telling him "...the world is gonna get very small if you don't go to any of the places where you and Katherine used to go..."

I guess I didn't realise what I was doing. I've been avoiding... hiding away form places we've been to. I want to have a holiday so badly, I need a break, yet I fear going to beach resorts for that was where we spent so many trips even before we got together. I've been avoiding places we hung out, I've been avoiding Sentosa. You seem to be doing the opposite of reliving memories and going places we've been to, memories we've had without me. Are we both escaping in different ways? Both lingering in different ways?

Sometimes I just wish to know how you're doing... just want to know that you're doing well. The world is getting too small...

Me and the elephant, we still remember you

Heard a song on the radio the other day... The elephant and me... interesting lyrics. Thought one day it could apply to either of us.

I don't know how to say this... honestly, I have not been truly happy ever since I left you. I guess there were times we were really unhappy when we were together. Times when you were unhappy with me, and times when I was unhappy with you, times when I was unhappy with myself. But there were times when we were really happy too, times when I was really happy. I thought you should know that.

I wonder how you're doing but again I'm afraid of hurting you, afraid that we're just not letting each other move on. I recently learnt how closed my heart actually really is. I thought for a long time how I could not move on from the shadow and past of our failed relationship, but then I thought again. Perhaps my heart was closed even before then. I'm sorry and I don't know why or how my heart closed off to you too. Maybe that's how you felt distant even though you were just beside me.

I was brought up with the teaching never to regret anything in life, and thus never do anything we might regret as well. Of course that's not totally true but in a way, there's always something worthy of a lesson or a blessing in disguise, a wrong turn that leads us and makes us who we are through mistakes, hardships, heartbreaks. Thus even if bad things happen, even if we make mistakes, I was taught not to regret life as that does the present nor future any good. In a way, I guess it seems like a carpe diem mentality, but again I'd like to defect to memento mori as only because of the limited time we have in this world that we should cherish, embrace, and appreciate life's experiences be it up or down, as that's what gives life colour beyond the greater design of a fairly common and repetitive structure of just life itself. Nonetheless, I look back and can't help feeling sorry and can't help feeling regret for a lot of my experiences and decisions. Perhaps one day I might look back and it all does't matter in the infinity of this world and time where our existence was pretty insignificant. But we existed. 'We' existed. And today... is not that day. Cuz me and the elephant, we still remember you.

I've underestimated you...

I should have left it at silence...... somehow with you, that always seemed like the better option.

Its not that we should not be communicating. I just feel that you always rapidly descend into negativity and pessimism every time things go slightly better. I was reading one of the older posts some time ago... I believe it was "A tribute to the man I loved"... Reading it made me feel touched.... and reminisce about a lot of things from the past, how we started, the things we did... but rather quickly after that, it transcended into negativity, blaming me for the breakdown of our relationship, that I was already not loving after the first breakup. I never loved you any less... But I felt pushed away... and there were always reasons different reasons... I guess I was never quite comfortable with your absolute and resolute. For that reason, you could never stand me for the way I handle decisions, problems, and conflicts as well. Probably one of the reasons why we handle conflicts so badly and why we always end up on conflict.

I guess you really hate me for keep justifying the breakup. Honestly I probably forgotten the reasons but I know I questioned fundamental fit of our characters and personalities. Only thing I underestimated was love... it was strong and enduring... but my faith is weak and to avoid conflict, I retreat, and remain silent, I escape and avoid. Irritates the hell out of you doesn't it? I remember you quarreling with me about sweeping things under the carpet before... and now, its easier than ever especially when there are so many other things occupying my mind... and before I know it I'm off to another country again. Is there any point in conflict still at this point? Finger pointing, or spiraling negativities? I thought there was nothing left or we were at rock bottom. I'd love to catch up, to talk and find out how you're doing, and I think we did enjoy doing that... I just hope each interaction we have does not result in the subsequent spiraling down again.

Sigh... This posting does't end up making any of us feel any better does it? I'm sorry...

10-years

Back to blogging..

I never knew if continuing to blog was a good idea.. it seems that this was how we were going to communicate if anymore.. but then again.. lots of thoughts are shared here.. perhaps more than we did before..

I wonder what makes love enduring.. what makes relationships fragile.. its funny I attended a "class gathering" of sorts.. not my class.. Azhar's class.. I do not remember how or why I started crashing his class gatherings but it has been for a while that I'm now part of the clique. Funny how they were talking about Prometheus and I was complaining I don't have movie company nowadays.. They suggested I jio Kenny, one of Azhar's JC classmates of course, incidentally also the son of my dad's friend. When I replied that I don't do "married men", they mentioned that he's not married when I clearly remembered attending his wedding. I guess marriages don't last very long nowadays. Its the 5th divorce I know personally.. and of course quite a few others involved with married men.

Lots of things have happened recently.. so many things. Somehow, things don't really get better. We just learn to cope with them easier. You came over the other day.. passed me back my sweatshirt.. it was rather painful to receive it honestly. Frankly I have't quite packed up your stuff yet, they have been always in the cupboard. Maybe I'm just lazy, maybe I don't know where else to keep them. I wonder if we'll ever be able to move on.

I often wonder how we'll be 10 years from now... I'll probably be married with kids... separated... going through a difficult divorce. Having another relationship to which I can't emotionally commit to... my wife taking care of the kids, potentially dating and moving on. I'm in a regional leadership position in another MNC, having taken my MBA. Probably spent a couple of years being posted overseas. My dad has probably passed away, my mom's a lot more lifeless ever since, my brother just gotten married for a couple of years, doing well in his job, exploring a start up with some friends but also having another full time job of his own. We probably still catch up for coffee from time to time, you and I no longer have this awkward silence. I'll probably share with you my problems, partially... but you're also only willing to listen partially. You might be dating... might be married... we're no longer close. I guess you know my chronic issue and its up to me to leave the vicious cycle and pattern. Strange how at 40 years old I should be having nice family.. planning for kids and starting to look at long term financial stability for retirement but everything is being redefined 10 years from now.. perhaps my life had never really been stable. I should never have gotten married. I wonder if I loved my wife as much as I should or if it was another logical decision. I wonder how the world would have changed in 10 years time.. technology... social... political... and then I start thinking... how fat would I have grown in 10 years time? Haha... oh well... somehow, life does't seem quite appealing to look forward to. Its quite paradoxical that in attempt to make responsible decisions, I seem to end up making the most irresponsible ones.

Anyway.. I have not been blogging cuz I really wasn't sure if it was a good idea. I wanted you to move on, fall in love again, be happy.. maybe like you said, I can't engineer life's plans and fate, and happiness this way.. the second reason why I've not blogged was because blogger changed its format and for the longest time, I had no idea how to create new postings.. stupid excuse I know.. but between figuring out and having business trips and a whole host of other problems to deal with, its an easy excuse to KIV and put aside. Another easy way of escapism is to sleep and sleep and sleep alot to avoid thinking or facing anyone or any situation. Oh well... I'm not making any more sense... its the Laphroig 10yrs talking now.

Silence

Wondering what all this silence means... we both took turns to break the silence... to no conclusion... to further ambiguity... Is the extremity in the ambiguity or is the just indifference left? I am certainly mistaken, misunderstood yet I feel such difficulty explaining myself. Part of me wonder about the implications if I had to explain too much. What does your blog post even mean, if you're going to turn silent now?

I was very close... so very close to making the decision of my life. To try it out one last time... but this time, to try it out the remaining of our very short lifetimes. The last bit of intimacy we had became confusing... Its was familiar, yet I'm confused by what I felt in you. It wasn't a new beginning, it was closure. I guess perhaps I'm not the only one not knowing what I want any more. I left greeting your parents shyly with guilt that I have hurt you once again, with confusion as I did not know what it meant. The look in your dad's eyes, a mixture of fear, confusion, and worry. Worry for you...

They must have spoken to you after that. If that's the reason for the silence, I guess, I shouldn't have called or messaged in the first place. I was watching a show recently, where this girl wrote a letter to a guy everyday after he rejected her. She didn't really hope for him to accept him but just wanted him to know her better, know her life her thoughts each day. He didn't say much, confused and burdened but he enjoyed reading about her, feeling close to her in that distance. One day when she stopped writing to him, he felt lost and frantic despite not having expressed anything to her before. I had half a mind to do somethign similar, send you a letter or postcard from each country, and city I've been to... but right now, I'm not sure I should anymore.

Perhaps your way of dealing with things is not very different from me, escaping, planning your escape. A few years shall pass again. Actually I know this was what you always wanted, a few years overseas. Its just hard to include another person in this plan. Japan didn't exactly work out, you came back earlier for me and a year wasn't quite enough for you. With a reason to escape perhaps you can put these plans into action once again. Where does this lead you? Nobody knows... but perhaps that's the beauty of it... though melancholic in a way.

I had been in denial for a while and I guess sometimes I have a way of convincing myself if I'm determined enough to do so. You're right. I've changed... perhaps not in a good way. But I'm not sure what's the kind me you wanted and if that's what I want too. Had a brief chat with my boss last week. It was a conversation we should have had a while back but its not too late. I guess I already know what I signed up for and the path it leads me on. Unlike your dad who gave up his career opportunity, stayed in Singapore and started his own company in his younger days. I don't feel I have the choice. The uncertainty in my life is going to be more than just the next 2-3 years.

If you're already thinking of escaping.........
I guess we both have our ways of handling issues like this.

You say that I chose not to believe we can make it... and now I'm choosing to be indecisive about it. I am afraid that we can't make it and we're just wasting time and hurting each other. I hoped to be able to believe, hoped that you could give me the courage to believe, yet how can you have the courage while going through this, while facing my uncertainty? No one should be that strong and I don't expect you to be. Its just wishful thinking and I can't expect anything anymore.

Perhaps I can still write you a postcard. Perhaps it will mean hurting you. Perhaps I shouldn't. Perhaps I should have let this silence be... Perhaps you're no longer reading my blog. Quesas, quesas, quesas...

Insomnia

Isn't it funny how often I travel and yet each time before my flight, I lose sleep the night before. You're probably used to my weird antics by now. 5:54am... my Flight is at 1220pm. Half thinking if we could have breakfast somewhere nice... but you like to seep in... lazy...!!!

Not quite settled back in Singapore yet, and off I go again...

Everything and nothing

I finally found time to sneak off and collect my Bose Companion 5 System. Really love it... I was so skeptical that my downloaded or YouTube converted MP3s were not going to be of good enough quality to do the Companion 5 any justice. Well... They weren't. But the Companion 5 still did a whole lot of improvement to those songs... Played some jazz on it too... simply love it.

I took my brother's 23" monitor from his room and his bedside tank as well. :) Everything is set in my room except for the big planted tank.big screen, nice speakers... but somehow I'm no longer having time, energy, or habit to watch the funshion downloads anymore. I guess I reallyenjoyed lazing around to catch episode after episode, chasing season after season, but I guess we haven't done that for a long while already. We tried to with Supernatural... but that has been quite a while back. Kindda wonder what's the point of the nice monitor and sound sytem now... I have everything and yet nothing...

Been visiting operating theatres watching cases, really interesting watching the doctors in action removing tumours performing all kinds of procedures, how they use our products, how our reps try to sell them more of our products, how amazing our products work and make surgeries so much easier for surgeons. I bought a plantronics bluetooth headset as well since my new boss strongly advises me to invest in a set. Love it... easy to use, sleek looking, and it comes with a charging pouch which can charge the headset while I'm on the move as well. I guess I have been really busy... catching a day and a half's flu in between as well. All is well now... but I really should get some sleep. My work now starts at 8am and I typically leave home by 7am, wake up at 6:30am, and sleep at 11pm. A huge biological clock resetting exercise!!!

Zzzzzzz....................... Just feeling awfully empty... Zzzzzz.................... missing you...

The golden ring

The other day I had a strange dream. I was at work, probably overseas travelling or something. I was in a discussion with some directors when I noticed that I was wearing the ring once again. It brought me a sense of comfort and stability, a sense of grounding and belonging. It was our ring, but it wasn't quite the same. Somehow it was a little older, a little flatter, and it had become golden. I felt slightly older too, more certain, confident and composed.